And Then There Were Thousands
by The Crimson Wing
Summary: Hearing voices is never good. Seeing things isn't either. But Kankuro sincerely hoped he was doing both.


AN- A requested story by my best friend Lunamaru, the Yaoi Queen of Doom.

Disclaimer- Oh yes, I totally own Naruto. Do you see Sakura dead on the ground and Itachi skipping through the fields with his tree?

…Didn't think so.

_Then There Were Thousands_

It started off as a very lazy day for Kankuro. He sat up in his hotel bed, left leg dangling over the side, sheets bundled at his ankles. One fisted hand came up to rub his eyes, a sleepy yawn overtaking his features. The sand siblings had come to the leaf village two days before to visit Gaara's lover, Rock Lee.

The very thought of the…youthful shinobi made Kankuro groan and wish to crawl into a dark pit somewhere, never to be disturbed again. Sure, after the first several hundred chasing-Lee-away-from-Gaara scenarios the puppet master had become accustomed to the idea, and Lee was a decent enough guy to take care of his brother, but…

He was so LOUD.

Sighing, the sand shinobi rolled out of bed and trudged to the little dresser stuck in the corner of the room. After a minute of groping around in the dark he found the light switch and flipped it on, green eyes wincing near shut at the blinding radiance. Hastily he gathered his clothing together before switching of the light again.

Carefully Kankuro crept across the room, using the wall as a guide. He found the bathroom door and threw it open, grimacing as the natural sunlight flooded in through the open blinds. The puppet master took a moment to adjust before crossing the threshold into the tiny white room, closing the door behind him.

'Wonder how Temari's doing," Kankuro wondered absently as he stepped into the shower. He tilted his head back, soaking sandy blonde locks under the jetstream. 'Eh, she'll be fine.'

Two months beforehand Temari had started a rocky relationship with Shikamaru Nara, who Kankuro fondly dubbed 'The useless lazy ass'. After a severe beating by his sister's fan, the puppet master had wisely decided, of his own free will of course, to drop the nickname and refer to him as 'Cloud Boy' or 'Nara'. It hadn't started off all that well, but the relationship had gotten better.

It had just gotten worse again, but hey.

Kankuro shut the water off and watched the remaining soapsuds slide down the drain. From the rack nearby he snatched a thick, fluffy towel and dried off, pressing it around his waist as he went to grab his clothing from the counter and put it on.

As the towel dropped he could have _sworn_ he heard a giggle, but brushed it off as his imagination when he could find nothing and quickly finished dressing.

Minutes later he emerged fully clothed and painted, stalking across the room to heave Karasu onto his back. He tucked the scrolls of summoning away into his jacked and grabbed the key to his room, stuffing it into a different pocket. At the door he hesitated, frowning. Really he'd feel more secure if he set traps, but if some unwary janitorial person came in…Slowly, uncertainly, he left the room unguarded.

The puppet master left the hotel, scowling deeply. The air was thick and wet, heavy gray clouds rolling in from the east, making the desert dweller squirm with discomfort. Halfway down the street he stopped upon realizing he had no idea where he was going.

"Stupid…" He grunted irritably at no one in particular. Kankuro finished walking to the end of the street, stopping at the corner to glare into the space before him.

A prickling down his spine made him look up again, his gaze turning to where a grinning Temari pushed through the crowd, staring intently at him. Warily he waved; right hand pocketed casually, stance loose in case he had to move because of somehow inadvertently making his sister angry.

"Kankuro!" Temari called brightly. She brushed past an extremely disgruntled farmer who haggled with a customer on the price of carrots, waving in response to his grunt. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm not in a fantastic mood because I didn't hole up with my lover all night," was his snide response, one he quickly realized really hadn't been a very good idea.

She didn't even break stride or falter, though her expression did change. A vindictive smile flashed over her features and her walk became more of a languid stalking motion. Alarm overrode Kankuro's own features and he began to back away, but Temari was too fast. She broke into a run as he took a second retreating step, catching him about the shoulders and twisting him about to face her. Forest green eyes clashed with fiery blue as the sister grinned.

"Well then, we'll just have to fix that then, eh? There has been something I've been meaning to try out."

"Nah, I'm good Temari," he laughed, while inside a spasm of panic overtook him. She had that evil look in her eye again, that one that commanded obedience, lest force be used.

A spray bottle was whipped out of what appeared to be thin air, it's contents a milky blue. His stomach lurched a little as she rose it up to eye level, her smirk divinely wicked.

"Do you know what this is, brother?" She laughed her voice a low hiss. "This is a potion. Anyone sprayed with it is cursed with irresistible desirability by any who smell it."

At first Kankuro wondered why it was so bad. He could go for a little jump on his game. Then, aided by the malevolent gleam in his sister's eyes, the words 'any who' crashed upon him like a thirty thousand-pound emo in the throes of a heart attack.

"Temari, don't you dare," he hissed, jerking from her grip. "That's cruel and unusual punishment, even for you."

"Which is exactly what you deserve after you stole my pink underwear and ran around with them on your head!"

It took a moment for the force of that statement to sink in. His right eye twitched, his lips pursed and he let out a dramatic cry of, "WHAT? I did no such thing!"

Sniffling in disdain, Temari mumbled, "You did so, someone saw you."

Kankuro groaned. His sister was as stubborn as he was; there was little chance of her changing her mind. "Where's the proof?" He countered, slightly desperate.

A picture was thrust before him and he paled slightly. Depicted was an image of him with a pair of pink bikini cut bottoms atop his head, dancing in front of Ichiraku Ramen, tail swaying madly behind him.

Wait a minute.

Tail?!

"I don't have a tail, that's not me." He declared triumphantly.

Frowning, Temari looked at the picture. He heard a distinct laugh behind him, but as he whirled there was no apparition there to pounce him, though there was a slight tug on his pants…

"Liar!" Temari cried, lunging at him. He had a split second to see a tail swing to the left before he hopped backwards to avoid his sister's wrath.

"Now wait a minute-" Karasu sprang from his back and he took a few retreating steps, his puppet bowing to avoid a swing of Temari's still closed fan which was employed as a sort of bat. "Listen to me!"

With a devilish 'whoosh' the fan burst open. Kankuro performed a fast substitution jutsu and sped behind Temari, Karasu leaping up high into the air as a clone smashed into a nearby building.

He spoke as the clone dissolved into a sandy heap, "Calm down T-"

"Clones are marvelous things brother." The blonde before him faded with a 'pop' and the end of a gas mask loomed over his shoulder. "Hope you find some water soon."

A 'whisp' sounded near his ear, a cold mist tickling over his neck. An alarmed yelp escaped Kankuro's lips and he whirled, clapping a hand to his neck. Temari snickered, strapped her fan back onto her back.

"See ya bro, I have a cloud to catch."

Temari disappeared as Kankuro opened his mouth to shout. He scowled at the smoke and turned away.

"Stupid Temari," he huffed, brushing his palms on his pants. Both hands were pocketed and he walked back towards the hotel, scooping up Karasu as he went.

Just in case she hadn't been bluffing. Of course, she had to have been.

Right? Temari never really did 'bluff'…

Unnoticed to him, Kankuro's pace quickened. His heart pounded in his chest as he broke into a slight jog, sighing in relief when the doors were mere yards away.

"Hi there!"

Kankuro screeched, eyes bugging, leg retracting upwards as if frightened by a mouse. He stared with wild eyes at a little girl who barred his path, slurping an ice cream cone. When she didn't turn vampiric and try to suck his soul out of his left nostril, he relaxed a little.

"Hey kid, get out of the way."

"But why mister?"

With a weary sigh, he gave her his best impression of a Gaara glare. "Just do it."

Slowly the child moved and Kankuro brushed past her to enter the lobby, scowling and mumbling. He cast a glare over his right shoulder and slammed into something like a brick wall.

Indignant, Kankuro stumbled backwards to glare at the offender for a split second before schooling his looks into that of aloofness. "Sorry about that," he said coolly at seeing legs and NOT a brick wall. His gaze rose as he spoke, "Wasn't paying atten…Obnoxious guy!" The grin reverted to a scowl at seeing Might Gai, standing before him. "Get out of the way!"

"My apologies!" Gai responded brightly. Before he could begin to be angry, the large browed Jounin squished Kankuro in a spine-crunching embrace.

It was then, in the throes of agony, that Kankuro saw the solid mass of people barring his path to the stairs. Gai set him down and, as he gasped and wheezed for breath and took a staggering step back, he noted that everyone had suddenly developed a staring problem.

"What?" He demanded, suddenly recovered. "You know, you're all lucky I'm not Gaara or you'd be dead."

Then, there in the utter silence (well, actually Gai was giving a speech of some sort so it wasn't SILENT), Kankuro heard it. It was a slight 'giggle' that he often heard around the Uchiha boy or his brother and sometimes a few around Lee. Vaguely he recalled that odd noise being aimed at him once or twice, but he couldn't place where…

All at once the crowd parted and there was a steady 'click, click' of stiletto heels on the tile floor. Every drop of blood drained from the puppet master's face as the Snake Sannin Orochimaru presented himself at the head of the crowd, leather pants clutching him very tightly, a whip smacking against his palm. The giggle came from a trio of three girls behind him and seemed to be spreading through the crowd…

Orochimaru rose a delicate, pale hand to his mouth, tongue flickering out as he gave a laugh. "Kyu kyu kyu…" It echoed through the silent room. His whip extended towards Kankuro. "Fetch me my new play toy, fangirls. Careful not to damage him," pink tongue glided over impossibly pale lips, parted in an evil grin, "too much."

With a great, unanimous cry of, "MINE!" the crowd surged forward towards Kankuro, who had turned a funny shade of purple. Within moments he had turned on his heel and ran screeching like a little girl out the front doors.

'Note to self,' the puppet master yelped s a girl plunged from a roof to try and snag him, 'kill,' he swerved to avoid her, 'Temari.'

Up ahead he saw a man pushing a cart full of carrot, the same angry fellow from before. The man paused and scented the air like a dog, head tilting towards Kankuro. A sort of glazed expression grew there and, to the puppet master's horror, the vendor began to charge at him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO" Kankuro screamed, leaping over the man and using his head as a springboard to bounce over the cart. Every time he looked back his dread doubled to see the herd of people, frothy drool flying from their mouths eyes popping out to stare at him.

It was creepy.

There was a sudden scream of, "Take this!" and suddenly a huge revolving doughnut came hurtling from no where. Kankuro swerved to avoid it but, by some miracle working against him, the pastry enlarged to snag his foot, sending the suna shinobi sprawling on the ground.

He lay there for a moment, gasping for air. Behind him the crowd quieted, all stopping to stare at him. Nearby in a store window, two women gave up their epic battle over a box of cheez-its and came out to join the mob. Everything was quiet. No one even coughed.

It was awkward.

"Umm," Kankuro said intelligently. This uttering seemed to stir them as a ripple of pushing began.

"He's mine!"

"Nuh uh, mine!"

"No!"

Violence erupted around him before the puppet master could even think about getting up and running, different people charging around to form a circle. One lady grabbed his arm in the chaos, but another smacked her down with a brick and had him a yard away before succumbing to a blow from a baseball bat.

Back and forth, tugged, pulled, pushed…Kankuro groaned. In the furious haze of fighting he didn't notice someone had him until he was hoisted high into the air.

The puppet master looked down, horrified to find an old man. "Mine!" The man cried in triumph.

Just as Kankuro was about to _explode_ with rage, a cloud of sand lifted him from the clutches of the old male. For one of the few times in his life, Kankuro was bursting with glee to see his younger brother.

"Gaara!" He said with relief. Surely his brother, the Kazekage, would have a solution?

Blank jade eyes stared out at the crowd when suddenly Kankuro was pulled possessively to Gaara's side. "Don't touch him." Relief. "He's mine." Horror.

"ACK! Not you too!"

The question went unanswered as Kankuro was suddenly ripped away by a calmly reading Kakashi. "Sorry, this one's mine."

Irritably Sakura made a grab for him, "No fair!"

"That's IT!" Kankuro screeched. He nimbly avoided Sakura's grab (inadvertently inching closer to Kakashi, an error he fixed by stepping backwards) and scowling. "I am NOT property and I will kill you ALL!"

There was approximately five seconds of silence before arguing burst out.

An exasperated Kankuro noticed Lee squirming through the crowd. "Not you too…" He grumbled.

"Me what? And what's with all this fighting?" Lee asked, separating the battle of two old ladies.

"Oh thank GOD!" The puppet master could have squealed like a schoolgirl. "Protect me, I have to get to some water."

"Please, tell me what is going on," Lee requested, though he had all ready begun making a path through all the people for Kankuro to squish through.

Grimacing, Kankuro waved his hand, "I'll explain later. Right now we have to get out of here before they go nuts again. Where is that…" The puppet master cut that part of the sentence off- he knew full well Lee wouldn't help him if he insulted Gai. "…Teacher of yours anyway?"

"Gai sensei is trying to find Kakashi sensei."

"Figures."

The two burst through the edge of the crowd and Kankuro broke into a mad run, Lee trotting easily at his side. A confused muttering was starting to rise behind them, a buzz of anger following the undertones. A few seconds after they broke the tree line there was a roar of fury.

"He's gotten away!"

"Shit…" The Suna shinobi hissed, weaving in and out of trees as fast as he could. "Lee, you know these forests like the back of your hand." It wasn't so much a question as a statement, but Lee nodded anyway. "Where's the nearest body of water?"

"You're about to run into it," Lee replied, jumping to stop his stride.

Kankuro's eyes widened and he gave a yelp, flailing his arms as he stopped to keep from falling into the water. He stared at it apprehensively and looked to the green beast with a scrutinizing glare.

"I'm not going to die if I go into this water, am I?" He growled.

Lee smiled and shook his head. "No, this water is one hundred percent safe! This is the lake my sensei and I use to cleanse ourselves before we head out on a mission."

This only served to worsen the puppet master's fears. He glared at the water like it was some sort of evil entity, just waiting for him to jump in so that he could turn out like those large browed freaks. The Green beasts who were…. Kankuro sighed and kicked off his shoes, setting Karasu down as well. Currently helping him out…

Before he could think about it further, there was a large rumbling noise, the sound of several hundred people running. Quickly Kankuro jumped in the water, even as he broke the surface beginning to scrub his neck, arms, and everywhere else he could reach. Distantly he could hear the people swarming around the water and Lee's fruitless begging.

Accompanied by a few thuds of people being gently pushed away.

Finally a man broke the water and started swimming frantically towards him. Kankuro glared vindictively at the milky white eyes of Hyuuga Neji, which were tinted with a harsh blue that matched color of the bottle and…

Was fading.

Neji paused, puzzled, then cast a flat look in the direction of Kankuro. He turned around and swam to the shore.

'Victory!' Kankuro thought, pleased. He swam up to the surface and paused there with just his eyes exposed, warily looking at the crowd of people. A few of them still looked crazed while others drifted off, curiously mumbling as to why they were there.

When the last of them drifted off, Kankuro sprang from the water, grinning. "Yeah, we did it fuzzy brows. Thanks a lot!" And in his utterly delirious state, Kankuro embraced the green beast.

At exactly the wrong time.

"Kankuro," Gaara growled, sand hanging in the air like static. His eyes glittered bloody red, his hand looking like it may have very well come up to do Sabaku Sosou. Suddenly horrified, realizing what he was doing, the puppet master sprang away from Lee, contemplating jumping right back in that water.

"G-Gaara," stuttered Kankuro. He tried his best to sound calm and commanding, but when you're staring death in the face it's hard not to plead. "I didn't mean it, now calm down."

Luckily for him, for the second time that day Lee came to the rescue. "Gaara-san!" He chirped, effectively distracting the red head. "Your brother has had one mess of a day." Frowning, he tilted his head to the side. "It was unusual to see you being so protective of him though…"

And Kankuro ran like a bat out of hell. He would go back to the hotel, burn these clothes, take thirteen more showers, and forget this EVER happened.

He ran by Kakashi, who was trying to convince a crying/shouting Gai that he was NOT chasing after another man, it was a spell of some sort.

The puppet master grinned. But Kakashi would never forget it.

Crimson- Yosh! It is completed! (Finally…I couldn't get on the computer to type it…)

Gaara- …Fool…

Crimson- …Do you want me to neuter you in my Halloween special… DO YOU?!

Gaara- .:Silent pout:.

Crimson- Didn't think so. Now I am going to go and molest Lee ;x

Gaara- …SABAKU…

And the insanity continues ;x Hope you liked it! Unless my computer implodes, Halloween special, NEXT!!!


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